Lessons From Our First Year: Marriage made me insecure

About two days after we got married, I turned into the most insecure person in the world. 

For a while I couldn’t figure out why. What had happened? How had things changed so much so quickly? It was insane. I know that as women we all have our personal insecurities. Some of us are our noses or think we are too tall. Or we hate the way we laugh. For me, I have always been heavy. Always have been. Probably always will be. Growing up I let that shape a lot of my life. Then as I got older, I remember having a startling revelation. 

I could either own my fatness and move on OR I could let it hinder the rest of my life.

I chose to own it and move on. 

So when I moved to Ethiopia I knew I would likely be the heaviest person in the country. I probably was.  Meeting Adam was unexpected to say the least, and he has always loved my chubbiness. He sometimes sings Chubby chubs and dances around the house. After we were married nothing changed. I was still fat. He still loved me. So what I thought was my biggest insecurity- wasn’t what was getting in the way. 

As my insecurity grew, paranoia set in. 

I took a few liberties. I thought of it as a personal patriot act. All our passwords were saves on the computer, so what was the harm in looking at his facebook messages? Or even browsing his email occasionally?

In my mind….NOTHING. I mean, he read my journal....

I was insane. NOT in my right mind for sure. 

I had turned into a crazy, insecure monster. The worst part was I was taking it out on my husband.  The most frustrating part was, I couldn’t even figure out why.

Adam knew what I was doing. He caught me once or twice. Then he just knew it was going on. He asked me why. I had no explanation. 

This went on for a few months. Sometimes I was totally crazy. Other times it would be weeks between my snooping. Still the insecurity was there. Creeping in when I would least expect it. 

Then one day I realized. 

I was afraid Adam would hurt me.

                                                            

He was the only person in the world who REALLY could.  The only person I LOVE enough, that he could really hurt me. 

How could a face like this, ever hurt me?

After wading through the garbage that is the Mormon dating scene, I ended up a little bit scarred. After falling for the wrong guy who was married. The safe guy, who was gay. The could have been the right guy, with too much baggage. And Finally the best friend, who just wanted a place holder. I had really put off the idea that I could be in a committed relationship. That meant mentally marriage was an afterthought. 

So here I was. After an around the world whirlwind romance, finding myself in the longest relationship of my life….with my Husband.

Who I had committed to, for all eternity.  

Who I loved wholeheartedly.

Who I knew could really hurt me. Because he was so close to me. Because I gave myself to him fully. Because, that was my history. 

&instantly all my sudden onset insecurity made sense. 

I was deathly afraid of being hurt, and I was taking it out on my husband. 

After this realization I wish I could say it all instantly went away. It didn’t. It took a few weeks to own my insecurity. To will it away. To Ask God for comfort and strength & peace, in my marriage. 

To talk openly with Adam about what was actually bothering me- Not the symptoms (my snooping). To have a plan as a team to help me feel more secure in our marriage, so that I could in fact be a partner with my sweet husband. 

& over time it went away. As I looked for all the things Adam did to show me he loved me. As I made little notes to remember the sweet names. The help around the house. The text messages mid-day. The messages. The back rubs. The giggles. The washed dishes. The mini dates. + a Million other little tiny things that reminded me that Adam loves me. 

Remembering and reminding myself that Adam had done nothing to hurt me. 

That he committed to me, as much as I committed to him. 

That he sacrifices for me, for us, for this little family of ours. 

That we were in this together. 

&once I was honest with my feelings, we were on the way back to normality. I was on my way to trusting myself as a wife. To trusting my sweet Adam, as a husband.

I got pretty lucky, I married the most patient person in the world. A Man who loves me, and wants me to happy. & THAT has made all the difference in the world.

♥ theMRS.

Read about my first big lesson {HERE}

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We've made no bones about it, we've struggled in our ward.

It's giant. Transient. And the exact opposite of what you would hope to find.

We've been here over a year and still feel like no one would notice If we stopped coming all together. Not that you go to church solely for the social aspect, but it sure makes the worship more meaningful if you feel a part of the congregation.

This Sunday I was particularly dreading going to church. I was putting off getting ready, trying to just "oops I just didn't make it in time."

But I did. 10 minutes early in fact. I found a place near the back, almost hidden by a curtain and settled in. Hoping to go unnoticed I pulled up the first hymn on my phone and waited for the prelude music to start (Lds congregations are known for being late). The music started. People started to file in. The crowd was a lot smaller than normal, i attributed it to post thanksgiving travel.

So there I was instagraming a picture of my feet when sweet Gerta walked over to say hi.

And when she did I burst into tears. Almost uncontrollable and completely embarrassingly I cried. She hugged me. Spoke kind words of comfort and she didn't judge. She was just there to offer a hug. To wipe my tears. She checked on me after the first meeting. The talks this week seemed to be just for me. A little chastisement, an offer of hope, a promise of blessings to come.

It's days like that when despite my efforts at blindness I can see the Lord's hand gently guiding my life. A little today. Maybe more tomorrow. Here and there just a little at a time. Little Enough that I still struggle and reap the consequences to my mortal actions. More than enough that I know I am loved.

♥ theMRS.

The best breakfast a buck can buy

try this

Sausage McMuffin.

No Sausage....replace it with an egg.

DELICIOUS.

& myfitnesspal tells me its not that bad for me either.

Warm. 

filling.

YUMMY. 

Try it now, thank me later.


♥ theMRS.

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Super sacrilegious Sunday ritual.

lately, theMR. and I have been patrons at our local McDonalds* on the Sabbath. Its kind of our little thing. Since our weekends rarely line up, SUNDAY is the one day we KNOW we will see each other. 

And not just in passing when we switch the car

or I drop dinner off

or when Adam kisses me when he gets home at night

or I wake him up on accident while getting ready in the morning. 

I am talking LEGIT time together.

So we go on a post Church Date. 

and I love it. 

its our little thing. A cheap little date out.

Life won't always be this busy or disconnect. So while it is, we date each other on Sunday. 

This particular Sunday my entire family attended Church together. I honestly can't remember the last time we all did that. It was a lot of fun. To be with my nieces in Church. To all sit in two rows. To worship with my family. It was renewing. On top of that my Sister's ward was a lot of fun and really welcoming. 

NOTE TO SELF: Move to daybreak.

& then we took pictures of ourselves in the car.

The drive was long.

and I ran out of diet coke, so I used my phone to entertain myself.

PS- thanks Karen for introducing me to unBlock me. I might have completed 146 beginner games in one day....

♥ theMRS. 

*AND we are now officially collecting all the cups! 

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twenty one.

today I am desperately thankful for down time. 

I don't know when I turned into a grown up, and life got so busy. It seemed to happen over night. It feels like just yesterday that I had all the time in the world. I was in school, working part time and playing plenty. 

Now I am responsible for a department at work. I have people I am responsible for...weird, who put me in charge of anything??? I'm married. With a husband who works hard. In turn he works crazy hours. I have a family who I love, and attempt to spend time with. Friends I've neglected lately. Responsibilities. 

And tonight, I cleaned my house. 

My bathroom.

I vacuumed. 

Did laundry. 

and then, I did nothing.

and it was awesome. 

to have some quiet time. 

to regroup. 

to simply be. 

I am thankful for down time. My dear friend I have missed you, and will make more time for you in my life.

♥ theMRS.

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Craft {FAIL}

Every now and then I try to be craffty. 

Most of the time it works out at least OK. 

Other times...like last week, it was a big FAT FAIL. 

I LOVE pinterest, are you a member? Lets be friends...if not I can send you an invite! Well the awesome thing about pinterest is it makes  you feel so crafty and creative without having to do ANYTHING. All you have to do, is find cool crafts and save them for later. 

Literally it makes you feel awesome JUST to find those ideas. 

so I found this one. 

via A Beautiful Mess

and thought, this is so cool. 

For Christmas we do a gift rotation. This year I have my sister Brooke, who just bought a super cute house in Daybreak. So I wanted to make a little something to put on her walls. So I thought the last line of her wedding song would make for a great piece of pseudo artwork. 

I got to work. 

I braved Hobby Lobby which gives me MAJOR anxiety and everything. 

I was home on a friday night and went to town. 

I cut out all the letters so I could space them properly. 

Put them on. 

And then went to spray paint. 

the SECOND the paint hit the letters they started to curl.

I might have screamed and yelled, in the middle of the pitch black night. 

I was so bothered. 

I guess that's what I get for trying to do something personal. 

Oh and not use boring helvetica letters. 

blah...

until next time Hobby Lobby, I will just keep pinning.

♥ theMRS.

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eighteen.

Fall. It held on for as long as it could. Giving us crisp air.
Beautiful colors.
Change.

♥ theMRS.

seventeen.

discretion.

The last few nights I have written some pretty sassy blog posts.

Things that are peeving me. 

Complaints about things I can't change.

Running my mouth. 

Both times when I went to hit publish, I thought to myself

"Just let it sit for a minute"

I am glad I didn't hit publish. 

not because I like to pretend to be happy all the time, but somethings are just a little better private.I let my internal monologue run wild on the blog sometimes. And every now and again, I use some discretion. And for THAT I am grateful.


♥ theMRS.

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fourteen.

 Sleep.

Sleeping in. 

Cuddling up with pillow, or theMR.

In a nice soft bed. 

I L-O-V-E 

 So grateful for sleep. 

RESTFUL.

Refreshing.

Sleep. 

♥ theMRS.

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Lately

We've been really into making smoothies. 

Seems like the wrong season doesn't it?

I mean it just got cold. We had snow flurries. 

Some people thinks smoothies are summer. 

Not me. Summertime is when I want to eat fruit. When I I feel healthy and strong. Winter is when all I want to eat are carbs, soup and a giant piece of meat. 

 So to counteract that, I smoothie in the winter. 

My favorite blend so far-

1 Cup Frozen strawberries
1 Activia Light Vanilla yogurt, Frozen
1 medium banana
1 Cup Trop 50 orange juice

Handful of ice cubes, when I feel like it.

its the perfect morning treat. We just need to find the perfect disposable cups. Do you have any good smoothie blends I should try? Some of the other mixes just end up a blur of flavors. If you do, please share them.

Happy mixing!

♥ theMRS.

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twelve

 Laughter. 

I am so grateful for laughter. Its ability to make hard situations better. For the gut wrenching side aches when Adam and I giggle in bed. How it can deescalate a situation. Stop a fight. Stop tears.

Laughing at theMR. dancing around the house. 

at the silly face we make. 

our little private inside jokes. 

the voices.

When Adam talks to tummy. 

Knowing the difference between Adams real and FAKE laugh. 

♥ theMRS.

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Its my Party & I'll brag if I want to!!!!!

It is my SITS day!  

Which means we hid all our dirty laundry in the hall closed, vacuumed the floor and sprayed the blog with febreeze to welcome any new visitors!

THIS IS US!!!!

So glad you clicked over. When I started this little piece of the internet I was a single girl who was trying to deal with being left alone in single land. As my friends got married, started families I started blogging about my adventures. So the early years are all about my adventures traveling, Dating & attempting to be a real adult. 

My most exciting adventure lead me to pack my bags and head to Ethiopia. Where I learned that working with foreign governments can be really challenging and infuriating. The up side....? I worked with an amazing group of widows and single mothers and worked with them in a farming project that helped them become self sufficient. I spent HOURS with some of my favorite kids in the world.

OH and I had a stalker & MET my husband Adam. He is a total Hottie, I for sure married up. 

Check him ouT!!! ---------->

In August of 2010 we hopped a plane and landed in the States. We were married on 10/5/10 and are now starting out life here. 

I work as the manager of a call center. 

Adam & I invested in a franchise opportunity & Adam works with brothers running our Yougurtland location and managing our other business opportunities. 

 We laugh A LOT. At ourselves. At movies. At other people. and especialy the miscommunications we have.

Feel free to click around a little and get to know us!

♥ theMRS.

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eleven.

The country I live in. The freedoms I enjoy. All those who sacrifice for me.

♥ theMRS.

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we {PARTY} hard on the weekends.

If you consider going to an animated film with three little girls partying hard. Which lets face it, IT IS. Have you ever tried to wrangle three little girls in a 3D animated movie? My poor sister in law, Jess didnt see very much of Puss & boots- she was too busy taking Gracie in and out and in the theater. 

My brother was out of town for work, so I met up with My Dad, brother, sister in law and the girls for a matinee moive. Adam was working at ye ol' yougurtland so I was riding solo. 

We had a pretty good system going-

2 LRG popcorn's

1 blue icee

1 red icee

one GIANT bottle of water & a Dr. Pepper 

and we were set. Except we forgot Milk Duds so we went back for those. The University Cinema has these AWESOME soda trays which double as pop corn sharing devices. 

So we went through a bucket and a half before the movie even started. Avery and I ran out to get the refils so the movie wouldnt be intrupted. 

Puss & Boots was a lot of fun! I was pleasantly surprised by how silly and fun it was. We all laughed our way through it. 

After the movie we walked over to Iggi's for a late lunch. 

There ONE of the girls got a "popcorn" stomach ache. I could totally relate to that....happens to me whenever Adam and I go to the movies. 

The other punched the lenses out of her midget sized 3D glasses to become Provo's youngest hipster. Then she wanted me to do the same so I obliged. It was quite silly and fun. 

As much as thr thought of kids scars the CRAP out of me (maybe that is why I have stomach problems...) i LOVE spending time with my three little nieces. They are the silliest little girls in the world. I love them. They are each so unique. Their little personalities are hilarious. So different and yet with so many similarities. They entertain me to no end. They LOVE me back. They are a lot of fun. 

I can't wait until they live a little bit closer...just a few more weeks, then their wont be a canyon between us. 

& IF you haven't seen puss & boots....totally WORTH IT!!!

♥ theMRS.

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ten.

Fresh VEGGIES.

I {LOVE} them...

Is it weird it topped my list of thankfuls? We might have purchased pounds and pounds, of tomatoes. Onions. Yellow squash. Zucchini. basil.

Then I might have turned it into bruschetta for dinner twice. 

Yep, I made bruschetta for dinner. Does that make me a bad wife? Maybe not the first time, but the second time in a week...maybe...

& fresh spaghetti sauce. 

One day, we'll have a garden.

♥ theMRS.

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nine.

Lunch with friends.

♥ theMRS.

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eight.

The internet-

• Email
• Blogging
• facebook
• Chatting
• skype
• callethiopia.com
• Photo storage
• instagram
• twitter

and a million other ways that it keeps me in touch with my friends and family here and around the world. 

♥ theMRS.

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Remember that one time....

When I was recovering from [global convention/end of month/exhaustion/computer induce migraines] and I just needed an afternoon off?

I do. It was last week. I was haggered by Wednesday. So Adam called and came to pick me up a little early from work. Which was a nice change of pace. During convention week you work like a billion hours, so leaving a little early sounded nice. 

So he picked me up. 

Drove us home. 

I was too exhausted to get out of the car. 

He felt like the drive wasn't over yet. 

So he backed the car up, and we headed out for an adnventure. 

We just had to decide where to go....

So as we headed West on I-80 I decided to google the sculpture. I found {THIS} little write up about it, which is where I NOTICED it was 95 MILES west of Salt Lake City....oops....must have felt a lot shorter when you are at the beginning of a 12 hour drive. 

Adam {GASPED}

I laughed. 

Then we kept driving. 

When we got there it it was a Beautiful day out. & EVEN though there were signs that said NO STOPPING...we stopped anyways. 

We were both sad to see there was a fence around the sculpture that kept you from getting anywhere close to it. It was fun to stop. To stand in the sun for a minute. To explore. 

We posed for a few pictures. 

Adam Kissed in the sunlight. 

It was awesome. 

OUR next dilema:

WHERE to turn around

We could either turn around in one of the authorized only turn arounds...OR DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO WENDOVER!

What do you think Adam picked?

WENDOVER.

I mean we had like 48oz of Mt. Dew left & 2 CHOCODILES  why not just go for it?

Along the way we stopped to view the flats

 see the Blue star Memorial Highway 

&when we made it all the way there, we met Wendover Will.

It was such a weird fun little advenuture. 

How often can you say: My husband picked me up from work, and we ended up in Nevada!

Hardly ever. So I glad we took this chance while we had it. 

Hey Bubbeye'

Thanks for taking me on an adventure. For driving the whole time. For not getting mad when I miss calculated the distance. For sharing your car treats & for making us stop for Ethiopian food on our way home. NEXT time we ride the fun bus.

Sometimes, its a lot of fun to be us!

♥ theMRS.

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seven.

OUT little HOME. 

The roof over our heads. All the utilities included. THE exposed pipes. The built ins. The character. I LOVE this little basement. I would live here forever, if we could like own it. 

This little place is where we started our little family. 

The first 2 years of our life will be here.

I can't imagine a better place to spend them. 

♥ theMRS.

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