Lessons From Our First Year: Marriage made me insecure

About two days after we got married, I turned into the most insecure person in the world. 

For a while I couldn’t figure out why. What had happened? How had things changed so much so quickly? It was insane. I know that as women we all have our personal insecurities. Some of us are our noses or think we are too tall. Or we hate the way we laugh. For me, I have always been heavy. Always have been. Probably always will be. Growing up I let that shape a lot of my life. Then as I got older, I remember having a startling revelation. 

I could either own my fatness and move on OR I could let it hinder the rest of my life.

I chose to own it and move on. 

So when I moved to Ethiopia I knew I would likely be the heaviest person in the country. I probably was.  Meeting Adam was unexpected to say the least, and he has always loved my chubbiness. He sometimes sings Chubby chubs and dances around the house. After we were married nothing changed. I was still fat. He still loved me. So what I thought was my biggest insecurity- wasn’t what was getting in the way. 

As my insecurity grew, paranoia set in. 

I took a few liberties. I thought of it as a personal patriot act. All our passwords were saves on the computer, so what was the harm in looking at his facebook messages? Or even browsing his email occasionally?

In my mind….NOTHING. I mean, he read my journal....

I was insane. NOT in my right mind for sure. 

I had turned into a crazy, insecure monster. The worst part was I was taking it out on my husband.  The most frustrating part was, I couldn’t even figure out why.

Adam knew what I was doing. He caught me once or twice. Then he just knew it was going on. He asked me why. I had no explanation. 

This went on for a few months. Sometimes I was totally crazy. Other times it would be weeks between my snooping. Still the insecurity was there. Creeping in when I would least expect it. 

Then one day I realized. 

I was afraid Adam would hurt me.

                                                            

He was the only person in the world who REALLY could.  The only person I LOVE enough, that he could really hurt me. 

How could a face like this, ever hurt me?

After wading through the garbage that is the Mormon dating scene, I ended up a little bit scarred. After falling for the wrong guy who was married. The safe guy, who was gay. The could have been the right guy, with too much baggage. And Finally the best friend, who just wanted a place holder. I had really put off the idea that I could be in a committed relationship. That meant mentally marriage was an afterthought. 

So here I was. After an around the world whirlwind romance, finding myself in the longest relationship of my life….with my Husband.

Who I had committed to, for all eternity.  

Who I loved wholeheartedly.

Who I knew could really hurt me. Because he was so close to me. Because I gave myself to him fully. Because, that was my history. 

&instantly all my sudden onset insecurity made sense. 

I was deathly afraid of being hurt, and I was taking it out on my husband. 

After this realization I wish I could say it all instantly went away. It didn’t. It took a few weeks to own my insecurity. To will it away. To Ask God for comfort and strength & peace, in my marriage. 

To talk openly with Adam about what was actually bothering me- Not the symptoms (my snooping). To have a plan as a team to help me feel more secure in our marriage, so that I could in fact be a partner with my sweet husband. 

& over time it went away. As I looked for all the things Adam did to show me he loved me. As I made little notes to remember the sweet names. The help around the house. The text messages mid-day. The messages. The back rubs. The giggles. The washed dishes. The mini dates. + a Million other little tiny things that reminded me that Adam loves me. 

Remembering and reminding myself that Adam had done nothing to hurt me. 

That he committed to me, as much as I committed to him. 

That he sacrifices for me, for us, for this little family of ours. 

That we were in this together. 

&once I was honest with my feelings, we were on the way back to normality. I was on my way to trusting myself as a wife. To trusting my sweet Adam, as a husband.

I got pretty lucky, I married the most patient person in the world. A Man who loves me, and wants me to happy. & THAT has made all the difference in the world.

♥ theMRS.

Read about my first big lesson {HERE}

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