Lessons From Our First Year: Principle V. Preference

I remember sitting in my MFHD classes listening to interesting lessons on life, marriage and children. Soaking it all in thinking ONE DAY I will use this with clients. I dreamed of being a LCSW or an MFT. I wanted to save the world, one family at a time.

Then I graduated.

Worked in social service.

got burned out.

was single for what seemed like at the time F-O-R-E-V-E-R

After dinner on our 1 Year Anniversary 10/5/11

Then I ended up married.

In a relationship with cultural differences and a rich ethnic heritage.

Who would have thought that the marriage I would help, was my own? I certainly didn't think it would be. 

So once we were married and getting settled living together, many of the things I learned in school started coming back to me. In small snippets. Ideas, theories, papers written, interviews conducted, a jumbled mess of information. 

That's the thing about school, information without practical application  is really not worth much. 

& since I didn't spend my college years married, or follow up my schooling with a Masters degree with practicum; this whole first year started feeling a little bit like an experiment. I guess that is really what marriage is. An experiment in living with another person. In Melding your lives. In compromise. Lessons to be learned. 

One of the lessons I have learned, and I am getting close to mastering is- Distinguishing the difference between principles & preferences.

WHAT does that mean?

prin·ci·ple

noun /ˈprinsəpəl/ 
principles, plural

A fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning
• - the basic principles of Christianity
A rule or belief governing one's personal behavior
• - struggling to be true to their own principles
• - she resigned over a matter of principle
Morally correct behavior and attitudes
• - a man of principle

After spending the first 27 years of my life figuring out what my exact and specific preferences in life are, they SOMETIMES can feel like principles. 

so I sometimes can get upset about the wrong types of things.

I can ONLY SLEEP in a freezing cold bedroom. I figured that the REST of the world felt that way too...then I found out that ummmmm they don't?

WHAT some people don't like sleeping in a walk in freezer?

WHO are these people...that is just morally wrong....

Or so I thought. and then I remembered the difference between preference and principles. 

Was sleeping in a cold bedroom foundation for a system of belief or behavior?

NO

Was it what I preferred?

YES

So is it really worth a fight?

Nope...move on, find common ground. 

So I put the fan on my side of the bed, stacked the blanket on his half and moved on.

There have been other things that have come up where I remember this little lesson: 

• How to fold bath towels
• What time WE should go to bed
• What is an appropriate sleep in time on weekends
• How much time we should spend with [Friends/family]

I'm not going to pretend I am perfect, that I never get upset about matters of preference.... I do. I am a little bit crazy and all girl, so there are times I pick fights over something silly for no reason. 

I am however getting better at it. 

Reigning in the crazy just a little bit at a time. 

Trying to remember; DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

Luckily we have eased right into marriage. Our first year has been a natural transition into living together. Remembering not to worry or fuss over matters of preference has made it easier. 

It will also mean when the time comes to take issue over a matter of Principle, Adam will know how serious I take it. He won't chalk it up to another one of my hissy fits. We both wont be worn out from fighting about nothing.

& when that time comes, I hope we will be closer to perfecting our Honest communication strategies. 

So that those conversations can be conducted in a spirit of love and understanding. 

Until then I will continue to crack the window open when Adam isn't looking so our room stays nice and cold through the winter. 

♥ theMRS.

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